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Human toilet Hayden's Mystery Guest - Beetlejuice's Sister! 05/19/04. 6:40am


Gary came in and told Howard they were going to change the schedule around because Human toilet Hayden (Human toiletHayden.com) has a mystery guest for them this morning. Howard told him to just bring them in. Gary ended up telling a story about Human toilet getting massages from this masseuse and she recently gave him a happy ending. Gary called the woman thinking that she was willing to come on the air to talk about it. She thought he was out of his mind and won't come on the air. There are some other things that Human toilet has done while he's been there trying out for Stuttering John's job. He's been trying hard but he sees things differently than they actually are.

Howard talked about Human toilet Hayden's write up about working on the show and how he has a weird spin on everything. You can read his stuff at HowardStern.com. Human toilet came in a minute later and said that if he handled the masseuse thing, she would have come on the air to talk about the happy ending thing. Human toilet said that he had spoken to her about coming on the air and she was willing to do it. He said he's the kind of guy who can get things done and he'll have her on the air tomorrow.

Beetlejuice came walking in this morning because it was part of Human toilet's big surprise this morning. Gary and Human toilet were arguing for a few seconds and then Jason revealed that his big guest is not willing to come on the air. Beetlejuice was in there so Howard spent a few minutes with him while Human toilet checked on his guest. Beetle talked about being in Vegas and how he got laid out there twice.

Human toilet came in a minute later with Beetlejuice's little sister. Her name is Erica and Howard didn't know that he had a real sister. Howard had her get close to the microphone so he could talk to her. Human toilet said that this was the hardest thing he ever did getting Erica on the air. Meanwhile, Howard noticed that Beetlejuice's big front tooth was missing. Beet said he just took it out for some reason.

Howard spent a minute talking to Erica and it turns out she's very religious and she never wanted to do the show in the past. Erica said she catches her brother smoking pot and stuff like that sometimes. Howard asked her if she's single and stuff like that. You could tell she was Beet's real sister from the answers she had. She answered questions saying ''ME?'' just like Beet has done in the past.

Erica said that she's got a job working at the church as an usher. She claims to make a lot of money working there. She makes sure the kids don't eat candy or gum in church. Howard aksed her how Human toilet was able to convince her to bring her on the show. She didn't really say how that happened though. Beet and Erica's mother was there as well so Human toilet went out to get her. She's got a few other kids that Erica mentioned quickly. The mother of the two of them came in a minute later so Howard spent a short time talking to her. She said that Beet is tough to control. Howard said he never thought he'd meed the mother and the sister and he was very happy about that. Beet's mom told him that he's tough to control sometimes because he's ''the man'' in the house.

Howard and Robin found out that Beet was able to complete high school in special ed classes but he made it all the way through. His mother said that she is in control of Beet's money and she's making sure it's taken care of the right way. Erica was sharing some of Beet's secrets with their mother. Mom didn't know that Beet gets women and does them in hotels. Howard got back to Erica for a short time and talked to her about her life. Erica even sang for the guys after they asked her to. She was dancing and singing some church song for them. Howard was ready to kiss her after hearing the song.

Howard heard that Beetlejuice lost his big tooth at the Spearmint Rhino strip club. Mom didn't know that Beet was at a strip club. Howard said that Beet's tooth is probably in one of the strippers. Mom and Erica didn't seem to know that Beet went to strip clubs. Human toilet was very proud of the fact that he got Erica to come in today. Howard asked Mom how Human toilet convinced them to come in. She said that she was just going to let Erica come on and she had no thought of coming on herself. Human toilet said he promised her that nothing bad would happen to her daughter while she was there and it would be a very special day for them and all of the fans.

Howard wondered how old Beetlejuice was. Mom said that he'll be 36 next month. His sister is 33. She's only 80 pounds. Beet claims to weigh 300 pounds but he tends to exaggerate a bit.

Howard took some phone calls and some people told them that they had a great couple of guests there this morning. People thought Human toilet did a good job getting them in there today. Howard said that Mom has her hands full with Beet and Erica. She works a job every day so Erica stays home and sleeps most of the day. Beet's mom also talked about the woman Beetlejuice was engaged to for a while. Mom doesn't want her daughter in show business like Beetle is even though Sean (Beet's manager) wants to get her in.

Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would give them $25,000 to let them film them for a week like the Osbournes. It would be a great reality TV show. Beetlejuice immediately said ''no'' to that idea and refused to let them put a camera on them. Dominic said they'd like to follow them around and Beetle responded with ''You follow me around I'll break your neck...'' Erica seemed like she'd be up for the taping. Mom was opposed to the reality TV show thing as well. She doesn't want any of that stuff invading her life.

Mom has a husband but Erica told Howard that he's getting on her nerves. Beetle said he doesn't hang out around that guy and he goes out drinking to get away from him. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then Howard took a call from Double A who said that Beetlejuice is the man and women were all over him out in Vegas. Howard said he can't believe how many women he has and he worries about him sometimes. Double A said he got Beet's leftovers while he was out there in Vegas.

Howard wanted to give Beet's mom an award for putting up with him all of these years. He said that a lot of people would have dumped him off on the side of the road somewhere but she kept him around. Howard gave Erica $250 cash courtesy of ''Scary Movie 3.'' Beetlejuice was actually in ''Scary Movie 2'' which Erica never went to see. Beet said he didn't want to bring her to the movie. Human toilet said that he's very protective of his sister. Gary asked Beet if she got to see ''Bubble Boy'' which Beetlejuice was also in. She and her mother didn't go to the premiere of that one either. Artie said that his mother hasn't seen any of his movies either.

Howard gave Beet's mother another $250 and then gave Beet another $250 and said that it was a banner day for them. Human toilet was proud of his accomplishment today and everyone seemed to be happy with his guests. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Beet's missing tooth and wondered what he's going to do about that. Howard had to wrap up with everyone shortly after that.