Naked Critic I challenge you to a review off.

Yes.

So did I.Good thing they both did the same movie.

If that were true you'd be the Warren Buffet of posting, Amanda.

good luck to both of yallz, i aint sure who gunna win this shit. we know animal god gots skillz at writin from mornin squirtz. but writin a long review aint da same.

LOL he is so stupid if he thinks anyone here believes he is a writer of anything other than technical manuals and vanity press books. I love how desperately he is trying to convince us that the guy who had time to spend two years masquerading as a 19 year old obsessed girl just to stalk me somehow doesn't have time to write a 1000 word or less story. Not to mention he has mentioned on here that he posts so much because he has such a tremendous amount of free time. What a scared little bitch he is.

Is Blubbernuts calling you a liar?

looking forward to this

Confirmed and verified as too cowardly to face me? Tell us what he wrote since you saw or it or please stay out of the debate. Just saying you know he wrote something doesn't mean anything. I have granted him that since you said it I just doubt its anything that would require any creativity or skill. He can face me and show his skill or stand as an emo bitch afraid to put his skills up against mine.

???? I'm the one issuing challenges and backing up my claims with proof. I know he is a fellow Canadian but you must admit his excuse that he doesn't have the time is weak as hell considering all the time he spends posting here and specifically in my threads.

diogenez dont got no place talkin trash bout yur writing if he to scared to prove he a better writer then ya.

Exactly. Put up or shut up. Its pretty simple.

Lockout
Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace
Directed by: James Mather, Stephen St. Leger
Rating: 2.5 stars (out of 5)

Full disclosure: despite my expectations, this is not the worst movie I’ve seen this week. And this comes in a week where I fell asleep halfway through “The Three Stooges” – which isn’t terrible, but not very good either. I fell asleep because I was fucking tired.

No, the WORST movie I’ve seen this week is a bowlwinder called “Seattle Superstorm” – a made-for-SyFy ball of shit. I watch every one I can – they’re a lock every time we have our “bad movie night” parties.

That having been said – Lockout wasn't awesome by any stretch of the imagination. In terms of prison films, it’s certainly no “Shawshank Redemption” – but at the same time, it’s not trying to be. It’s trying to be silly fun
.
I kind of wanted to give this a 0 rating, based solely on the ads – which are so mind-numbingly pandering they’re ridiculous. They’re like an ad for WWE Raw. The opening line from the trailer:

“It’s the world’s most secure prison…it holds the planet’s deadliest criminals…it’s impenetrable because…it’s NOT on Earth!”

Wow – the WORLD’S most secure prison isn’t on EARTH? That’s incredible, folks. I just took the WORLD’S most rank shit – but I took it on Jupiter. That still counts, right?

And then there’s the clichés – true story, I first saw this trailer one of my “Bad Movie Nights” – and it made us laugh harder than our headline bad movie (“Princess of Mars” starring Antonio Sabato Jr and Traci Lords – made for the aforementioned SyFy.) Get your cliché counter ready.

“He’s the best there is… but he’s a loose cannon!”

Only missing are “He’s a lone wolf”, “he plays by his own rules” (although that’s implied) and “he’s a week from retirement.” It’s like the marketers were doing an 8-ball and said “SNIFF We need to get every double-digit IQ from every trailer park in this theater. Quick – how do we convince morons who love bad movies into this goddamn theater?”

But it’s better than it seems, because at least because it doesn’t take itself seriously.

The action takes place on “MS1”. Because we name our prisons based on an arbitrary alphanumeric combinations. I can say this from experience, because I just got out of “Tijuana Prison Pi” after a very fucked up weekend that involved 7 hookers, 4 ounces of blow, and 3 donkeys. One of whom I miss a lot. Eeyore, call me, I’m sorry.

Apparently MS1 is the home for the worst of the worst. Although I didn’t see Robert Picton, Paul Bernardo, or Phil Spector at all. Apparently those horror stories are too “pussy” to be on the Space Rock alongside hardasses played by a bunch of actors nobody’s ever heard of.

Guy Pearce (who should fucking know better) stars as former CIA agent Snow. A detective man saw Daddy Snow stab someone down the lane. A licky boom-boom-down. Long story short, he’s an apparently wrongly-convicted badass. He’s John McLane with real hair and shoes. He’s sentenced to 30 years of stasis sleep on the Space Rock.

An aside: How cool is that? So numb nuts has to do 30 years in prison – but he’s going to SLEEP through it? Fuck, I’d do 100 years if it meant I’d go to sleep one second and wake up 100 years later as if nothing had happened! When I had my wisdom teeth removed I was under for 2 hours – but it felt like 30 seconds! How is that punishment? “Excuse me sir, but you just killed 21 people, raped 42 more, and cheated on your taxes. Take a nap, pumpkin.”

The prison is visited by the President’s daughter Emilie (Maggie Grace – who ruined the first couple of seasons of Lost). She’s there on a humanitarian mission. Because that happens. Right now, Sasha and Malia are doing a delightful tap dance routine for inmates at Gitmo.

Shit gets real and Emilie gets taken hostage. Now instead of a power nap, Snow has to go on board an orbiting prison, take on 500 violent, disoriented maniacs, and rescue the President’s daughter. Maybe it’s just me, but give me the 30 years that will pass without knowing it. Hell, if it’s a choice between “30 years of sleep that will feel like a second” and “Do the dishes”, I’m taking the sleep. Michael Jackson the fuck out of me.

It certainly isn’t an original movie. To me, it was a mish-mash of “Die Hard” and “Escape From New York”. But for a flick with a comparatively low budget, it’s not horrible. Sure, the script is a derivative ball of shit (the story was co-written by Luc Besson, who after Leon and The Fifth Element should DEFINTELY fucking know better) but the combat and effects aren’t horrible, and Snow has some funny quips. There aren’t any twists in the story that you won’t see coming – but it’s fun if you're not expecting much. Pearce is fine in his role, and while some of the lesser characters seem to chew the scenery a little, it’s not very distracting.

It also contains the single-most ludicrous scene I’ve seen all year. I refuse to say more than that, because it needs to be seen to be adequately appreciated. It’s a delightful combination of thinking “This is just an insult” and “Well, they’ve got balls to try and sell this – I’ll give them that.”

I wouldn’t recommend paying to see this, but when it comes on HBO or streaming on Netlflix it might be an ok way to kill a couple of hours. It’s like that action movie you love from high school that you know isn’t very good, but you watch it every time it’s on TBS. I just hope you like clichés.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to help break my friends out of Tijuana Prison Pi. I fought with those brave people. We spilled the same blood in the same mud, and I can’t leave my brothers behind.


Exhibit A

Lockout with your cock out. There is a party in space and you're all invited. This party looks to have it all, a great action hero played swimmingly by Guy Pearce of Momento fame as the wise-cracking uber hero, 500 crazed psycho killers, even awesome outer space sets and space battles. Somehow the party falls flat though, the band is terrible and the punch bowl gets spiked with a turd. Lockout is what you get when Luc Besson combines the scripts of such classics as Escape from New York, Outland, and Diehard in a blender and then waters it down until it loses its flavor and allows two inexperienced directors James Mather and Stephen St. Leger to serve it up with pretty bamboo umbrellas. I'm looking forward to more movies with Guy Pearce as the action hero - he saves the movie from one star status. There were a few points where I thought the movie might save itself and deliver, but the final 15 minutes delivers a death blow to at least one of the stars I might have given the movie. Wait until it's a dollar rental and you won't feel cheated.

Exhibit B

Lockout with your cock out. There is a party in space and you're all invited. This party looks to have it all, a great action hero played swimmingly by Guy Pearce of Momento fame as the wise-cracking uber hero, 500 crazed psycho killers, even awesome outer space sets and space battles. Somehow the party falls flat though, the band is terrible and the punch bowl gets spiked with a turd. Lockout is what you get when Luc Besson combines the scripts of such classics as Escape from New York, Outland, and Diehard in a blender and then waters it down until it loses its flavor and allows two inexperienced directors James Mather and Stephen St. Leger to serve it up with pretty bamboo umbrellas. I'm looking forward to more movies with Guy Pearce as the action hero - he saves the movie from one star status. There were a few points where I thought the movie might save itself and deliver, but the final 15 minutes delivers a death blow to at least one of the stars I might have given the movie. Wait until it's a dollar rental and you won't feel cheated.

Exhibit B

Sorry about the double post I see there is server issues

LOL I love that he made sure to talk about falling asleep in the theater at the three stooges just to make sure the haters wouldn't mix our reviews up. Look on the brightside bro no matter how shitty your review is the haters will always say yours is better. Thats waaaaay to long for a review (even more boring than the actual movie) also further proof you are incapable of being funny no matter how hard you try.

i vote fo review #2!

so I guess we know who wrote what now. AG fagged out and gave up pussy

I fucking thought we were suppose to read them and vote???????? AG fucked this one up royal???? I vote for A.

Yeah.

AG, this was supposed to be anonymous you retard.

NC just mention he fell asleep at the three stooges yesterday in a thread lame ass then he started his review by referencing it. I would say he was the one who thought there was something to be gained by the reviews not being anonymous.